As May heads off into the sunset, and June is quickly arriving, I realize that I am about to turn 44 years old. While most of the time I feel that age is simply a number, sometimes I feel every one of those years in my bones. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be by this stage of my life. I have a minimum wage job (I'm still thankful for it), I have more debt than I want and my savings is a joke. I am less fit than I have been for may years and, most days, can't seem to find the desire to get out and exercise. On the other hand, I have a pretty good life. I have a wife that loves me more than I deserve, I have a home, a paid for truck and motorcycle and I had the privilege of serving in the navy for 20 terrific years. However, there's something I've been wanting to do for quite some time and I think now might be the time to do it. I want to tell a side of my life that I usually keep to myself- or, more correctly, not too many people know this side of me.


I quit drinking almost 17 years ago. I quit as a result of a continuing battle with the drug commonly known as alcohol. The only time I ever got into trouble in the navy was a direct result of drinking. The funny thing about it was that only a few days before the ill-fated Saturday, my good buddy Rob asked me what I was going to be doing over the weekend. We both lived in the barracks and worked in an A-6 squadron, so we were working long hours. I told Rob that I would probably go get a bottle of Jim Beam and see how messed up I can get. He asked me "Why do you do that to yourself?" To which I replied, "Well, I figure I'm going to have to quit drinking sometime, so I might as well have as much fun as I can." I had no idea how prophetic my statement was! After finishing most of the bottle of Jim Beam I had gotten earlier in the day, I managed to get myself into trouble (most of the night is still a mystery to me) with a senior petty officer who was living in the barracks at the time. Well, I was put on report and the issue was pushed all the way to the top... At this time I was still trying to blame everyone else for my ills. "It was my first time!" "So-and-so didn't get into trouble, why am I?" "I'm being singled out." At any rate, the morning after my incident (it was actually late in the evening before I got out of bed), I made a conscious decision to stop drinking. This was simply not working for me. I am blacking out and doing stupid things. I am alienating the people around me. I'm not growing as a person.


I made the decision to stop drinking. I made it with the intention of never drinking again. I decided that I would seek the advice of the professionals, so I went to see my command DAPA (Drug and Alcohol Program Advisor). He set me up with the medical facility and I went, willingly. Keep in mind that, at this time, I was also looking at being reduced in paygrade, and possibly being kicked out of the navy, so I had ulterior motives in addition to seriously wanting to figure out why I am the way I am. I found out a few days later that I wasn't supposed to see the DAPA. Actually, he wasn't supposed to see me because of the pending case against me. However, since I had seeked him out, nothing was made of the fact that I went there before my case was settled. I was diagnosed as alcoholic and scheduled to go to rehab! I was quit surprised, but more on that later.


I was scheduled for Captain's Mast http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonjudicial_punishment and was, of course, scared to death. I was determined to make the best case I could, keep myself out of trouble and just be as honest as possible. Surely they wouldn't expel me from the navy if I was seriously trying to be better, would they? I spent hour upon hour practicing what I was going to say to my commanding officer, ironing my uniform, practicing my salute and praying. It's funny (sad, actually) how we reach for God when we are in trouble, but forget about Him most of the rest of the time. I went to my first alcoholics anonymous meeting the day before my mast. I went alone, and had no idea what to expect. More on that later. When the day came for mast, I was ready for the worst. I got my briefing- "salute the CO, remove your cover on my command, stand at attention, etc" and when I stood in front of the Old Man (navy speak for commanding officer), he told me to stand at ease, "we're not going to bust you, we're going to help you." At which point I was relieved, but still wanted to speak (I didn't get the opportunity, but it's OK). My case was dismissed- no record of it remains- but I was directed to go to DAPA...


Now I could get on with figuring out this alcoholic stuff. I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic, I drank mostly on the weekends, and never got drunk during the week. In fact, I rarely drank during the week at all. Still, those occasional blackouts were a little disconcerting. My last drink was on August 17, 1991. I made the decision to quit drinking before the navy decided to 'help' me. I took a battery of psychological tests to determine my level of alcohol dependence. I don't mind stating that, while I had to answer yes to many of the questions, I still didn't feel that I had a serious problem. Afterall, it had been a couple of months since my decision to stop drinking.


February of 1992, I was finally told that I was going to go to Chorpus Christi for alcohol rehab. The flight out there was uneventful; I went there with one other guy from my command- someone else who needed 'help,' and we were not allowed to go anywhere alone, or leave the immediate area. I suppose they were used to dealing with people that were desperate for a drink. Once checked in to the facility at Chorpus Christi, we were immersed into the program the very next morning. 6 weeks of therapy! I went to group therapy, one on one counseling and attended an AA meeting each night. *I have to stop for a moment to say that AA used to have a saying- "Who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here." They don't practice that to the letter anymore because discussing the meeting with other members often happens at home, on the phone, etc. However, AA is still very big on anonymity, so while I don't mind talking about some of the subjects, any names I may mention are not real.* I met a lot of very interesting people during the meetings. Some famous people, some doctors, lawyers, housewives, rich people and poor. This disease definitely knows no bounds. However, each night, when I went back to the facility, I still felt like I wasn't really one of those people. Nobody seemed to have quite the same story as me. My counselor beat me up with facts every day. I still came away with the feeling that I was being misdiagnosed. He once told me "If it quacks like a duck and has webbed feet, it's a duck!" His attempt at painting me as an alcoholic was not having much effect. I knew there was a problem, but I felt like I had a handle on it. One night, as I was trying to drift off to sleep, my mind kept going back to the things I had been hearing over the last several days. About 10 days into my treatment, I finally admitted that I was an alcoholic. It's simple, really. I was suffering blackouts. Not that many, maybe 5 in my whole life, but they were happening, I was getting into trouble- again, probably only a few times- and I was losing friends. People just get tired of hanging out with a loud, drunken fool who thinks he's funny, or worse, thinks he's a good dancer... I also fit the criteria: Trouble at work, trouble at home, DUI charges (none stuck, but that's another story), anger, resentment, etc. I disagree with the medical profession labelling anyone who drinks more than a certain amount per week is alcoholic. There are a number of other labels I disagree with, too, but I suddenly felt strongly enough about myself to admit my disease. Funny thing about me is that I never really had to fight the urge to drink. Once it was gone, it was gone. Do I miss drinking a beer on a hot day? Of course I do, but not so much that I shake or crave or am even tempted to have one. I just simply can't do it. I always give thanks to God for removing the desire for alcohol from me.

I have lately found myself watching the news a lot more than I used to. Following the political debate is fascinating. It's also frustrating. I can imagine that the people on the opposite side of the political spectrum from me feel the same way. While I find the current situation we're in to be frightening because it seems we are moving steadily toward a socialist government, I can imagine that those who are more liberal in their views are likewise thinking that those evil capitalists just won't go away! When I think about it, I see the scenario playing the same way every time, no matter who happens to be in power.

I feel like the conservative approach in politics is the only way that the country will be safe. Instead of re-stating the same reasons, yet again, suffice it to say that my beliefs are what they are and no amount of argument is going to change them. I'm certain that the liberals are feeling the same way, and for the same reasons. It's frustrating! I believe a certain way, and I am absolutely certain that I am correct! Yet I cannot make those who believe the opposite see what I see as plain as the nose on my face. Why can't a liberal understand that capitalism is the only way to make our country grow? Why can they not understand that only wealthy people are able to build an economy (ever gotten a paycheck from a poor man)?

Likewise, liberals must feel some frustration when they think, "why can't those conservatives understand that only government can do this job?" They think we're selfish and greedy because we think that welfare should have limits, because we think that universal health care will ruin both healthcare and the economy, they see the end result- a utopia of happy, unselfish people all working for the common good without the need for competition- as clearly as conservatives see how capitalism encourages growth.

I believe the answer is that each side is struggling to convince those people who form the middle; the people that are pro-life, but feel that abortion is a necessary evil for some. They are looking for the people that feel that a certain amount of government intervention is necessary to keep others from taking unfair advantage. They want those who feel that gun ownership is a right, but should be closely regulated by the government. I believe that most people fall into this category and that is primarily what causes most of the argument. Much like the NRA refuses to give any ground in the fight for gun rights, I truly believe that many of their members feel that individuals have no business owning a RPG. The organization has to fight for the rights of gun owners, just like Planned Parenthood has to continue to fight for the rights to abortion, even for under aged women (this should light a few fires!!). If they give an inch, their fight will look half-hearted and their contributors will cry foul!!

Perhaps this is the reason why most of our recent presidential elections have been for the guy who is going to do the least amount of damage. Who hasn't voted for the "Lesser of 2 Evils?" With the exception of the most recent election, I think most will agree with me on this. Even Barack Obama ran a fairly moderate campaign. Why was this? Simple. He wanted to appeal to the moderates and those voters who congregate toward the center of politics. He was a magnificent candidate, and I'm sure he is a great guy to hang out with. He's a good father and a good husband, he has a terrific looking family (although I do not find Michelle Obama to be as beautiful as the media tends to portray her, but more on that another time), he is athletic, attractive and really smart (his politics not withstanding). He captured the country in a wave of change: promises to be different than any other. Promises to be more transparent. Promises to be open and honest and willing to look at topics from multiple angles. He was going to win this election no matter who the republicans put up against him. Part of me is glad that he won. It has been said that it took our country 4 years of Jimmy Carter to bring us Ronald Reagan. Obama appealed to the moderates. Those of us who simply grew tired of seeing our values tossed aside.

We are never going to be able to change those of a different political bent and we shouldn't want to. We should be able to support our position and appeal to the voters who choose to follow us. Without differences, we end up worse off than we are now... maybe that was the problem all along. Conservatives seem to have lost their way and the liberals were right there to pick up the lost voters.